Phantasy Star Universe review (Xbox 360)

I’m not playing any more! You can’t make me!!

After the horror that was Enchanted Arms I was already starting to go off role playing games on the 360. This dismal game is likely to stop me adventuring altogether.

Contrary to what the box and the manual might try to tell you, the full title for this game is, in fact, Phantasy Star Universe: Now Loading. I know this because I have spent almost as much time reading that title as I have playing the wretched thing. You see the title, on average, every four or five minutes. You see it when moving from uninspiring rendered cutscene to dreadful in-game cutscene, then again before the ‘action’ starts. Walk through a door and you’ll most likely see it again. There are lots of doors in this game. Lots. Inexplicably, considering their quality, there are lots of cutscenes too. At least in Enchanted Arms, the cutscenes were relatively pretty and served as a welcome break from the dull, repetitive gameplay.

Backtrack a little, Mr Reviewer. There’s a plot in here somewhere…

That 'ol familiar feeling

The lead character in this particular game is a chap called Ethan Waber. One of those Anime Disaffected Rebellious Youth stereotypes, he tools around with his sister (Annoying Anime Sister stereotype) on a big space station thingy in the Gurhal system. The system is made up of three planets on which live the humans (of whom Ethan is one) and their creations (as the intro repeats endlessly). The creations are the CASTs (Anime Sentient Android stereotype that grow old), Newmans (Anime Elf Stereotype) and Beasts (Anime Berserker Beast Stereotype). There was a war 100 years ago, but there’s been lots of that dull peace thing since so it’s high time something invaded.

Something does, it’s called the SEED and it makes a royal mess of things. Big spaceships blow up for a bit, then it all settles down to allow you to play the game. The arrival of the SEED is linked in some way to the uncovering of ancient underground structures wherein a form of energy (A-Photon energy) has been unearthed and nicked by some bad guys who fall into the usual cool-looking Anime Bad Guy stereotype.

Ethan has hated a group called the Guardians from an early age as his father was a Guardian and was always off on duty. When the SEED attacks the station, Ethan has to rescue his sister with the help of a downed Guardian and, of course, comes to understand that the Guardians are ok and eventually joins them. Voila! Excuse for all the adventuring.

The story is presented in TV-style episodes, complete with a lamentable title sequence (the song is hysterical and terribly, terribly worthy), an end theme and even a ‘Coming Next Episode’ bit. This is all very cute, but not a game-saving addition by any means.

The plot is reasonably engaging, with lots of faction in-fighting within the various species and between the various species – seems that 100 years of peace was uneasy at best. Unfortunately, uncovering bits of plot means playing the game and watching unbearably badly executed cutscenes.

Wish you weren't here

There are four basic locations in the game – three planets and a space station. All the interiors look roughly the same, and all the exteriors look roughly the same. Both interiors and exteriors are full of doors and corridors. The only difference between being inside and outside is that outside the rooms don’t have roofs and the corridors are stone tunnels. The effect is to make you feel like you’re a rat in a maze built by scientists dumber than you.

Back to loading times. Each environment you visit is divided into sections by doors. In the wilds of the various planets, these look ridiculously out of place. When you go from one identikit area to the next, you’ll often (as in very often) have to endure the loading screen. Why? The graphics, sound and other such resources do not change!! It can’t be the level map, so why the constant, intrusive loading screens?!

Also, as the graphics really aren’t all that great (better than Enchanted Arms, but not by much), why is it that slowdown is a regular issue in Phantasy Star Universe: Now Loading? Put Ethan and three allies on screen against more than three critters and there are times when things chug along like your granddad’s post-holiday slide show.

Rinse and repeat

The gameplay… How to put this across? Let’s look at Chapter 4 as an example.

The whole chapter takes place on a train that you’re protecting. The train has on it various valuables (which you never see) and a bunch of civilians (whom you never ever see). Each carriage of the train looks basically the same – big, empty and dull. The ‘adventure’ starts when a bunch of rogues attack the opposite end of the train from where you are. So, you go from one end to the other, fighting largely identical baddies in each largely identical carriage, until you reach the end. Surprise, surprise, you’re then required at the opposite end of the train. So, you do the same thing again, against slightly tougher versions of the same bad guys. When you get back to where you started…

Well, you get the idea. The controls consist mostly of pressing ‘X’ to attack, with occasional forays into ‘Y’ for a special attack. The shoulder button allows you to miss with any firearm you’re carrying. ‘B’ pulls up a slow menu system to swap weapons or use health packs. It usually means you get slapped while doing it or end up using the wrong thing. It’s just one example of the clunky, counter-intuitive controls in this woeful title. I really can’t be bothered going into the rest of it simply because Sonic Team obviously couldn’t be bothered designing and testing it all properly.

Enough!

Phantasy Star Online: Now Loading has as its main selling point an online game world where lots of players can complete missions together. As we were not provided with a press account to try this out for the review, and considering it costs a regular monthly subscription, this was not tested. Instead, I went to various US sites and read their reviews, and to various forums to hear what players had to say. Quickly I began to understand why, perhaps, we had not been given an account. By all reliable reports (particularly those of actual players of the online game) the whole experience is pretty dull. However, I can’t confirm or deny this myself, so we’ll draw a veil over the online game.

In fact, lets just stop this here – oddly, the exact phrase I used after playing most of Phantasy Star Online: Now Loading’s single player game. There’s just nothing there to recommend, beyond a reasonably decent plot. Best thing I can suggest, then, is to find a detailed guide somewhere online and read the story there – you’ll have more fun and won’t waste time and money on the game.